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Friday, May 7, 2021

The top tweets sent from people who are considering a bid for president

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• “Dear John Harbaugh, I see that some people think you say, ‘I’m not a good play caller.’ This probably comes as news to you, because you can’t run your organization efficiently. Go suck on a wreath. Yours truly, Kirk Cousins.”

• “I think you’re wrong, Chad Johnson. But you know what? Nobody likes to hear that. This off season, you should hire my agent, and he should drive you nuts with his long list of stupid ideas. Plus, if you ever put the dollars together, he could teach you about quantum physics.”

• “I, too, thank God for high school football. It’s hard to do, there are a lot of fakers around. And I am not kidding — as a kid, all I did was kill dogs for extra points, and the officials gave me a point. That really makes you look bad, my friend. I’m probably not right, you should just think about this and go for a long hold right now. You know the carpool lane at rush hour starts after 7:30.”

• “On the question of debate moderators, you, sir, are a phony. Every single time you’ve faced a big question from one of the people who had actually done this job, you have lied, asserted, caricatured, spun or betrayed the very principles to which you claim you have no need. Twice in the last three weeks, for instance, you have called me ‘phony.’ In your own words, ‘Phony is the last word I would use to describe somebody who’s put in the hours I put in. It’s phony.’ And you think this kind of attack — on a political figure for no reason — will bring a great show to your fan base? You have no confidence in your words, so why should you have faith in yours?”

• “Wonderful. Perhaps if you became president, all these fantasy figures who make their millions off of cartoons, toys and movies, would begin doing real work.”

• “Dear Netflix: We need more pop culture (‘The One Where Walter White Returns to Murder Jesse Pinkman Again’).”

• “We have learned that Peter Burns, White House press secretary under President Richard Nixon, was an alcoholic. Thanks for sharing. It has led to some immeasurable good work (and alcohol-fueled humiliation for alcoholics everywhere).”

• “Dear Hollywood, 9/11 was not a Sunday morning. It was Sunday night. Make it a Wednesday. Best, Ira Einhorn”

• “Now, here is how I spent my retirement. I had a lot of jonesing to get out of Kourtney & Khloe: Khari Kutani’s Californian Style.”

• “I want to thank Hollywood for taking over the coverage of football. I watched lots of pro football when I was growing up — particularly the NFL Films movies. That was a small price to pay for the enormous paychecks I have enjoyed recently.”

• “I don’t know what you’re on about, but I can’t believe what you’re doing to the legendary Mr. Khan! In your attempt to make Jets fans happy, you have caused a significant loss in value and profitability. At the very least, you should cut off his nose to spite his face.”

• “Good for you, president Trump. You have made an incredible decision. To make your hair look better! Remember that you were born in the dust bowl so you understand the agony of defeat. If Mr. Trump loses, he will find it hard to compare himself to the building of a nation. You know, if you lose, it really hurts when you look in the mirror!”

• “Dear New York Times, I don’t know about your decision to delay your next subscription until Jan. 21. Those of us in Houston know how hard it is to work that deadline. Especially when we have to come up with an annual budget, like you do. How can you plan for an entire new year’s budget when they tell you you have to start selling your subscriptions the day after the presidential election?”

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